The next morning, what had seemed like a spontaneous healing the night before offered no manifestation. Questions and fears swirled around in my mind undermining my optimism. I stood in wonder, however, that Dollar’s vital signs remained good.
Forgetting about the synchronicity with the shooting star and Dollar’s simultaneous gulp, I surmised that he’d had an allergic reaction and tried to start him on a homeopathic remedy. Not happy about taking the remedy, he started aggressively resisting. He was so adamant in his refusal, I had to lay aside my authoritarian insistence that I knew better than he and that this was good medicine for him. Since the spirit of the horse is honored here at our sanctuary, I asked him if he were feeling a spiritual violation. He dropped his head and became very still. I knew his answer was yes.
We stood facing each other head to head while I pondered what his inability to swallow was reflecting of myself. Through the years I had learned that horses mirror us in multiple ways. As I stood in openness, the curtain of my mind slowly lifted. I realized that it was related to the sexual molestation I endured as an infant. It had been oral. I couldn’t swallow!
I stood quietly with tears of compassion flowing for myself as a child who had been too young to speak of her experience, and as an adult for the patterns of subtle abuse from relationships and from life itself that had torn at me all these years. So much of it was an intangible and sticky web. I had lived a relatively normal life, but with a little girl crying deep inside of me, stuffed in a crowded closet to muffle her.
Dollar continued to face me standing very still as I allowed my grief to flow through me in my tears. Another horse came quietly behind me. It was Amoura. She nuzzled my hair, then stepped beside me and laid her head tenderly against my arm nibbling softly at my jacket as I cried. I was safely enfolded by these two equine beings, two angels that had stepped in close, standing with me in a timeless silence, rich with love and acceptance as I released a dark part of my past.
There had been a lifetime of frequent replays of emotional pain, and an overall suppression of my spirited spontaneity. All had been reminders that I had unfinished business to resolve. Years of blame, false accusations and intimidations had been directed at me by some with whom I shared my life. I was unable to speak in personal power. My pattern of accommodating others and overriding myself only pushed the pain deeper. My life seemed forever on hold.
This had all started with the violation as an infant and had been rearing its ugly head in intensity during these recent months of my adult life as the potential for healing was surfacing. All came pouring out through my soul and my eyes that night in the presence of these two quarter horse messengers from the divine, one who had also suffered her own form of abuse before she was gathered up and brought to our safe haven.
When the crying subsided, I was filled with awe and love. I felt cleansed. The experience was so deep I knew I had been dramatically changed forever. I had been released! I suspected that Dollar had also been released. Through the years I’ve had numerous spontaneous healings with my horses after a significant spiritual breakthrough in me. This time however, it didn’t happen. How long was this ordeal to continue? (continue to Part III)