The night the hole was torn in the drapery in the sky (Journey Into Surrender, Part 2, Drapery in the Sky) when I surrendered to my divine self and all of life, I felt a wave of relief that Tal’s healing was not all on my shoulders. I also knew something big had shifted. I felt the expansiveness of the divine in all of its expressions especially through the horses and cat who surrounded Tal that evening. It reached its arms to the rest of nature and to the whole universe as an unseen power came rushing in as if a tangle of brambles had been removed from a creek.
I looked forward with bright hope to improvements in Tal’s continuing laminitis. We had been on a roller coaster ride together, with spiritual moments bringing short term encouraging manifestations, but nothing lasted. However, even though I was cloaked with this new and substantial hope, still nothing changed. Tal was no better and no worse. The days droned on with no breakthroughs. I was writing my stories and posting them as had been the issue before, but this time something else stood in the way. I was sinking very low, clawing my way through depression and trying to find my way back to the homeplace as Tal continued to remind me. None of my spiritual “techniques” or choices to be at peace was working. I felt as though I was dipping in and out of hell and mostly thrashing around in it. I would feel a joyful ecstasy and then loss of hope. Anger began to surface.
One night when I was storming through the barn on an emotional rampage because of my frustration with lack of manifestation in Tal’s healing, I caught a quick glimpse of him as I stomped through the area near where he was standing. I thought he was sleeping but instead the shaman was fully aware of me and was licking and chewing, an indication in this case that something was feeling right to him. I caught my breath and stifled a laugh I wasn’t ready to express because I wasn’t finished being angry, but I knew deep down that Tal was applauding my anger. I felt comforted but at the same time I felt robbed of what I interpreted then as my rebellion. Now I see it as a blind knowing that something beyond myself was amiss but I couldn’t get a handle on it. Tal of course knew.
Anger is not one of the many things with which I struggle. But even so, often times in spiritual circles we judge any anger as not spiritual. Through the years I’ve had occasion to express an anger unjudged by myself that felt clean and pure. It was directed toward something in the spiritual realm that was working against a higher good and it became the fire that refined the gold and released the precious metal. It seemed to have done that this time. [Many a spiritual teacher might explain it differently but it doesn’t change my own knowing.]
The anger even in its rough form did its job. I had divinely stumbled upon unsuspected interference. Information was brought to me that turned the tide. I was speaking with a special and well meaning friend who mentioned feeling concern and worry about Tal. It had been festering in the background and apparently had become a source of stress for her. I had not been consciously aware of her feelings but I had been carrying a significant fear of condemnation from her which I’d tried to push away thinking it was my own imagination.
I was feeling judged albeit without tangible evidence, and it had seemed I was off base once she explained that it was not judgment but rather it was concern. That stopped me. Concern definitely sounded like a caring thing, but on the other hand it didn’t feel that way to me. It felt like judgment. I was confused. At a time when I was being drawn into a vulnerable spiritual journey with Tal when convention had ceased to bring physical results and tensions were building in me, I needed my friends to hold clear space for Tal and me. Concern felt like an intruder that wrapped rope around me and tethered me from movement.
Interestingly, the day before this interaction with my friend, I had been given the discernment that the fear that had been taunting me didn’t belong to me. I had been curious as to whose the fear it was but nothing came to me so I shrugged my shoulders and dismissed it. As my friend’s story began to unravel, I suddenly understood that it was her fear I had been unknowingly picking up. I’d garnished it with my own fears-of-choice and then thought it was my own. With that revelation, the depression lifted immediately and the fear vanished. The oppressive dark cloud dissipated and I began to feel whole again after days of being a stranger to myself.
Then the remaining veil was removed and I learned the rest of the story that had been acting behind the scenes. A mutual friend who had joined in the worry decided that it should be turned into something spiritually productive which in the case for these two worried friends was doing yoga together, and perhaps included some kind of meditation for Tal, I don’t know. But as the two of them were engaging in the particular form, Tal, who had been lying down for too long, got up, bringing a sense of empowerment to the two women who were doing their meditative yoga. The shaman was responding to their redirected spiritual energy and gave them instant feedback!
That was a turning point not only for them, but for Tal and me. As I released the fearful energies that didn’t belong to me, and as these two friends released worry and concern, and went to their own internal “homeplace“, that Tal continually advises, the spiritual realm around Tal and me was released and I started having more clarity regarding him. The medications and remedies I’d been using became more effective and Tal and I started moving forward again in our healing process. Tal started to show improvement. It felt so good. But as I was soon to discover, there were still a few more hurdles lurking ahead to be shaken off.
In the meantime, Tal wasn’t wasting away his time. He was doing his work with the humans in his life. He was definitely having an impact on at least three who were brought back into alignment with each other and with our own spiritual authenticity. Amazing horse.