Journey into Surrender, Part 1: Joining Up

charcoal drawing by bev

It was night. I was standing under a cozy coverlet of stars, but deep inside of me I was feeling blanketless, empty, and hollow. There was a peaceful quality to it however, even though I was drawing a blank in knowing what to do next after trying so many things all seeming to fail.  Tal had developed another case of sore feet. This was the 3rd time. (Day Three. Zigzagging With Realities, Expression of the Divine, Parts 1-7)  I had known this might happen again, but had hoped it wouldn’t. The last two times he’d had such dramatic recoveries. But for now, another layer is being addressed. As was so the first time around, there was still a correlation with my blog writing, his getting worse when I would hoard the stories and let days go by without writing. Perhaps we both were subject to the same energies that would hinder flow. He also continued his mantra in which he continuously reminded me to “Go to the homeplace,” that quiet, peaceful place I had been learning to experience.

Tal was leading me daily in step by step insights that were expanding my spiritual vision, each one building upon the prior one. He had brought me to where I was this night. But in spite of all that, I was confused. While I was progressing in the spiritual realm, Tal was remaining the same physically in spite of the remedies I had given.

Before this round of sore feet, he had initiated a conversation with me about hoarding desire, and hoarding the expression of my authentic or divine self (Hoarding Desire). He encouraged me to get acquainted with my divine self (Reflection in the Fiery Sunset) and I had been practicing surrendering with wonderful results.

Tonight in the darkness, I was barely able to see that there were horses stationed along the fence on 3 sides of the paddock area where Tal was hanging out. They were mere wisps as I grabbed quick glimpses out of the corner of my eye, taking me back to my childhood memories of the poem, “Seein’ Things,” by Eugene Field, that speaks of seein’ things at night.

The 4th side of the paddock was the barn, and inside was a cat with her own remarkable story of physical healing. In my typical and unreasonable expectation of the worst, I thought the animals had all gathered because Tal was going to die. They must be paying their last respects, I had thought, and went into the whole scenario of his death, feeling grateful to the animals for their participation in his departure. Later, thankfully, I was given a different perspective.

Two of the horses were playing with each other like two kids in the back of a classroom during a boring history lesson. I recognized one as Mariah by the white blaze on her face reflecting what little light stretched outward from the barn. I had just been thinking about a “buddy” horse for Tal for the night, even though he tends to be a loner. Mariah’s name had come to mind, and there she was only a few feet from the gate. In a magical moment of surrender to my divine self, I asked Mariah if she would like to come and stay with Tal. Before I finished my sentence she was moving like the flow of a creek and headed directly for the gate. I opened it, and in one easy movement, stepped aside, and she walked in. It was an experience of beauty and rhythm. Comfortable, easy, fun, and fast!

Mariah, who is Apolinaire’s female partner and sometimes Dollar’s, has a tender place in her heart for socially awkward Tal though he doesn’t always reciprocate. He’s a bit gruff, not quite knowing what to do with her friendly overtures, but secretly he holds a shy smile. I thought she was a good choice to be with him this particular night. But after letting her in, the accusing voices in my head started their taunt and I began to second guess myself, worried that she might be pushy with Tal and force him off balance as he tried to re-established his dominance over her. I caught myself before the mental interference took full control, and decided to trust the graceful moment when she came in. I was so glad for her company with him.

While still slightly unsettled about my “not knowing,” I called my friend and told her that I didn’t know what to do about Tal. I felt peaceful and not frantic but there was no guidance. I was blank. Nothing. Nor did I feel that anyone else knew what to do, there was no answer. She asked if I had gone to the herd? Had I listened to them? No. I hadn’t even thought of it so narrow was my focus. I then described their interesting placement surrounding Tal’s paddock area. I mentioned Mariah’s fluid movement to the gate in sync with my thought about her coming in.

As I talked, I suddenly had a revelation which started a process of “waking up”. I realized that I had unknowingly acted on guidance by inviting Mariah into the paddock, and that the horses had been there not only for Tal, but also for me. They had been there doing their work. At that moment I saw what they were offering, and what Lolita, the cat was offering as she stayed close to me. She had been hanging out with Tal and walking around his feet, gifting him with some of her own healing. As clarity replaced my foggy vision, I felt the vastness of the influence and power of these animals right here in my backyard, and I felt their delight in my allowing it, as recognition poured into my soul. I knew finally, that it wasn’t up to me. They were only waiting for me to let go.

Lolita, the cat, sat on a stool next to me as I held the phone to my ear and described my transformation process to my friend as it was unfolding. I looked at Lolita through spiritual eyes that had just been washed, and in that other world I saw her as a prime character in our allegorical story. She stood on her two back feet as if human, and wore a maroon-red beret. Her large smile was salted with mischievousness, and a twinkle in her eye indicated she had lots more under her hat! In human terms, she’d be classified as a type A personality. A mover and shaker. During those moments that I was breaking free of my cocoon, she emerged and was prancing and delighted to take charge! When I surrendered to my divine self, I was brought back into harmony with the others,… the horses, and all of nature, and into the expansiveness of the universe. A true joining up. I suddenly felt safe, and transformed, that every cell of my body had changed, that my genes had changed. The work had been done, I could not go back. I realized that Mariah was with Tal for more than just company. Her role was spiritual but I didn’t yet know how and still don’t. But, all was well, Tal would be alright.

With my surrender, I had gotten out of the way. I was told by them to go back to the cabin, to eat some dinner and write the story about Tal. I did.

Forward to    Part 2   Part 3   Part 4

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