Hoarding Desire

photo by chandra smith

Tonight Tal, our 4-legged shaman, stayed near me while I worked. I knew we still had more to accomplish together. Last night when I was talking to my friend, she mentioned something about finally accepting who she truly is. This immediately resonated with me like a harmonious chord on a harp. Tal told me that was the missing part of the equation between us. I had been focusing completely on knowing who he was as a spiritual being and had shut the door on my role with him…not the one that had wanted to be a fix it lady, but the authentic woman. 

After Tal’s jubilant ending to his prior laminitis episode with joyful play in the pasture, Tal took me to the next step. He told me it was time to work again on hoarding. For him, it was holding on to weight. For me, it had been my holding on and not sharing the horses’ stories.

Tal started to talk. He told me I was still hoarding. I told him I didn’t think so because I was in fact writing the horse stories as had been the issue he’d brought to my attention months ago. I was unprepared for his response. He said I was hoarding myself, my desires.

I had spent my time while driving to the ranch surrendering everything, letting go of everything, every desire I could think of. He said that sounded quite pious, but “You’ve always been good at letting go. You’ve been pushing away the expression of who you are.” Oh m’god. Writing that brought a rush of all kinds of emotions creating a traffic jam as they all were trying to be felt at the same time. Breathe. Let me take that in. Now replay slowly. I’ve been trying to let go of the expression of who I am.

Tal calls that kind of “letting go” working in reverse. It’s trying to let go of something that can’t be. The flip side is suppression or hoarding the expression of my authenticity. He clarified that the letting go was not to be of my divine passions, but of the pain when they have not yet manifested. “Embrace the dream, embrace your deepest heart desire, let go of the pain of not manifesting, let go of anything that says it won’t work, or that ‘I can’t have it’. Let it all flow.”

Then began a step by step process of peeling off the old, and remembering the true. Letting go of it all had seemed so righteous when in fact it was shaking a fist at the true expression of who I am.

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